


The Aftermath of Impulse Shopping

by Yusariis



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Agender Felix, Agender Locus, CisWash, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Domestic!AU, M/M, Multi, Non-Binary Felix, Non-Binary Locus, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yusariis/pseuds/Yusariis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a couch lodged in their doorway and a kitten clinging to Washington's sweater that was /certainly/ not in the car before they went to the mall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aftermath of Impulse Shopping

Locus breathes deeply, rubbing xyr temples before opening xyr eyes. Xe looks at Washington who has a small kitten wrapped protectively in his arms as if daring Locus to take it from him.

"You  _can’t_  keep doing this,” Locus breathes the words on the gentlest tone xe can find in xemself.

"I know," Washington says. He looks sheepishly up at xem. The kitten paws at the pullstring of his hoodie. Washington is doing his damnest not to look down and fawn.

"This is the  _third_ cat you’ve brought home.” Not counting Ari and Skylar, who Washington had long before moving in with Locus and Felix.

"I  _know-“_

"And the second one from  _that_  pet shop.”

"I can’t just leave them there," Washington protests quickly. He almost whines when he feels the tug of baby kitten claws on his shirt. "Do you know what kind of damage pet stores do? There’s breeding mills and lack of proper veterinary care and-"

"And that’s the same speech you gave us when you bought the other rat behind our backs!" A bitter shout comes from the open doorway followed by a hard grunt. Locus, despite xemselves, turns to glance into the doorway, checking on Felix’s solo-attempt on shoving the dark-brown, very expensive, very not-paid-for leather couch through the front door.

So far, the arm rests against the door frame. Locus wonders if it’s supposed to rain today.

"They have names," is Washington’s only reply, dry and stern.

"So do we, but we never use them!" Felix asks in one single breath before attempting a particularly forceful shove. Forceful for Felix anyway - it shifts a whole centimeter. When it does, they can all hear the slight scuff of leather scraping the door frame.

Felix gasps, horrified. The mercenary scrambles over the couch - currently cushion-less as Felix tossed them inside their home before beginning the moronic quest - and into the apartment proper, where Felix leans down and inspects the huge piece of furniture, so far unscathed despite it’s previous journeys into an elevator, up a flight of stairs, down a highway and through a mall security office.

Felix murmurs worries and frets under rushed breath before a pause settles. After a beat, Locus hears a heavy sigh of relief.

"It’s okay," Felix says, comforting absolutely no one else but Felix, "it’s okay… the leather’s fine." 

Locus blinks. Washington does not.

"…Good for you, Felix, anyway," Washington turns back to Locus, "About my cat-"  
"HAH!" Locus isn’t sure if Felix was scoffing at Washington’s slip-up or grunting as Felix attempted to pull the couch in from the inside, gripping the armrest of the couch with both hands, one boot against the door-frame and pulling. But Locus gives attention to neither, choosing to narrow xyr eyes at a sheepish Washington instead.

”..I-I mean….  _the_  cat,  _obviously._  Th-The cat, not… not mine….” Washington attempts to correct himself, protests slowly quieting as he goes on. “…Obviously.”

Locus breathes deep. Holds it. Lets it out audibly to vocalize xyr displeasure with Washington.  
"Well, where else is she gunna go?" The Freelancer asks with pleading eyes that Locus will pointedly not be looking at right now. "We can’t bring her back there."

"Didn’t you  _just_  buy her from some seedy shit-mall pet store you  _just_  said aren’t trustworthy?” Felix adds before pulling on the stolen couch again. It barely moves. “People, can we argue and move this thing at the same time? Please?”

"There are  _plenty_  of shelters in town that would take in a kitten,” Locus offers. Washington does not accept.  
"Nowhere we can trust to take care of her off the bat. And that’s not counting kill or no-kill shelters, we could be driving around all day," Washington adds.

"Or, y’know, ignore Felix. That’s cool too," the named comments loudly. “‘S’not like I’m  _struggling_  or anything.”

“Kent is a no-kill shelter, and they take cats.” Locus provides. Washington rejects this as well.

“Kent is full, they’re not accepting anyone right now.”

"What, did you call them and ask before buying the fuzzball?” Felix shifts position again. Now both feet are pressed against the wall, knees bent. Felix’s stomach and hands push into the armrest and Felix begins pushing against the wall with strong, short legs.

"We can post online, take pictures, call co-workers and friends…" Locus thinks out loud, "I’m sure we can find someone to take her in." So she doesn’t end up here forever like the other four.

Ari and Skylar Locus agreed to, they came with Washington as a set. Fine. Understandable. Coco was a stray that ended up sticking around. Frustrating, but understandable. Simone was this very argument, minus couch, plus an armoir that sits in Felix’s bedroom draped in the clothes it’s supposed to be holding. On the current issue of unnamed Cat #5, Locus - like the aforementioned couch - will not budge.

"Which would mean she’d be staying here until then," Washington says. Locus doesn’t deny it. "And she’ll need her own bowl for her own kitten food-"  
"No," Felix interrupts from the finale of the furniture heist.

"And we’ll need to get her shots,”  
” _No_ ,” Felix repeats, more sternly, having flopped on the couch to more properly stare down Washington.

“Which means we’ll have to get her a name-”  Washington continues.

“ _Fuck_ no _,”_  Felix growls.

"And then by the time we find someone to take her, she’ll be adjusted and healthy and the other’s will probably-“

"Not. Give. A shit," Felix cuts Washington off sternly. "Because they’re  _cats_.” Washington frowns at Felix who ends the refusal with a blunt, “They’re  _animals_.”

"They’re social creatures," Washington insists.

"And we already have four of them,” Felix says this while gesturing to Simone the Sphinx that was napping on the shelf. “That is a  _more_ -than-healthy social circle for a couple of sentient hairballs that cannot leave a set square of property.”

“And when she leaves, they’ll be upset,” Washington shrugs.

“When she leaves, they’ll be thinking ‘cool, that delicious kitten food is all ours now’!” Felix gets off the couch and saunters over to look Washington dead in the face. Washington responds by turning to face Locus instead.

“Locus,” The Freelancer starts-

“Locus,” But Felix cuts him off with a named demand of Felix’s own.

Unfortunate.

“We have. Four. Cats. Already.” Felix says. “We do not. Need. Five.”

“I’m not saying we need to keep her,” Washington rebuttals. “I’m not saying we need five.”

“You  _want_  five,” Felix scoffs, “you want  _more_  than five, if you could have walked out with the entire fucking  _store_ -”

“Stop it,” Locus starts but Washington keeps going.

“If I could join the fucking Senate and pass laws against mills I’d do that too!” Washington’s voice cracks.

“Oh, you would  _not_ ,” Felix says this with a scathing chuckle. “That would mean you’d live a life covered in  _way_  less cats,”

“I don’t need a constant pool of kittens to keep me happy, Mr. Our-Couch-Is-More-Than-A-Year-Old-Let’s-Rob-A-Raymore-And-Flannigan!”

“Washington-” Locus tries again with a growl.

“Hey, you take back that ‘mister’ crap!” Felix interrupts. “Besides, Raymore and Flannigan is tacky as shit!”

“Fine,   _Felix_   _the Furniture Napper_! Rolls off the tongue so much better~” Washington sneers.

The kitten chirps a delicate mewl.

“See? Kitten agrees~” Washington grins, cuddling the baby animal close to his heart.

“We are  _not_  naming a kitten Kitten,” says Felix, whose eyes roll derisively.

“Oh, then what  _are_  we naming her, Felix?” Washington asks with faux curiosity.  
“We’re naming her  _nothing_ ,” Felix’s tone rises, “Because we’re not having five fucking cats!”

“I never said that-”

“Enough!” Locus barks and xyr two bickering lovers are quiet. 

Locus takes a sliver of a second, rubs xyr temples, eyes screwed closed in thought. “….” Locus sighs. “Put the cat in the bedroom so we can unload from the car.” Xe can practically /hear/ the grin on Washington’s face. And the horror on Felix’s. “Help get the couch inside. We’re calling Carolina tonight to see who can take it, it’s  _only_  staying until we find an owner.” Locus opens xyr eyes. “Agreed?”

“Agreed.” Washington is beaming and Locus curses the electrical disturbance in the black hole of xyr heart that dares to emulate fluttering. Felix’s frown means there will be words exchanged very soon.

Washington pushes forward and kisses Locus, soft and sweet and damnably wonderful, before rushing off towards the bedroom to do as Locus said….though knowing Washington, he’ll probably start playing with the kitten in until Locus calls him out.

There’s a beat of silence as the bedroom door closes behind Washington. Felix doesn’t make a single sound before rounding over the couch again to resume pushing.

“…..” Locus turns to the open doorway. A breeze filters in through the open door. “Do you need help with-”

“That thing’s not gunna leave.” Felix says this quickly, as if all one word.

Locus tries again, “Felix,”

“We have  _five fucking cats_ ,” Felix grips the couch, staring wide-eyed at Locus. “We have a crazy-cat-lady starter pack,  _it’s a literal pack of cats-_ ”

“ _Felix,”  
_ “I am  _not_  an old woman who enjoys hard candies and scrapbooks!” Felix hisses.

“I never agreed to keep it.” Locus tries, uselessly, to defend the previous scene.

“Then tell me it’s not staying,” Felix demands. “Tell me that  _you truly believe_  this cat is not staying here.” There’s a pause. “ _Locus._ ”

Locus says nothing.

Felix moans, pitifully, head dropping onto the couch’s plush exterior. Locus watches the dramatics settle down before speaking again with a simple, “Grab it from the bottom.”

“Mm?” Felix grunts.

“Grab the couch from the bottom,” Locus repeats, moving closer and doing the same on the opposite end. “Lift and tilt on three, so it comes in sideways, the floor’s unscratched and the leather is safe.”

“….” Felix’s head comes up, eyes focused on Locus for a few seconds before complying. After a count of one, two, three, the couch comes up with two, unison grunts and, with an ease that comes from two-people as opposed to one, the couch trembles, but moves quickly through the open doorway. Once the perimeter is cleared, the couch settles onto the floor with a soft thud, Felix taking a hard breath in and Locus breathing out, stretching xyr back.

“Alright,” Xe grunts, looking towards the grey pleather two-seater in the living room. “Where do we put the old one for now?”

“What?” Felix's head picks up while Felix coughs up a chuckle.“Nah, fuck you,” Felix exhales, picking up the cushions and setting them on the couch again. “This is going in my room.” Christ. 

“Felix,” Locus is cut off by Felix pushing firmly against the couch.

“Too late!” Felix gasps out. “You agreed to that stupid cat so the couch’s mine now.”

Locus rolls xyr eyes.

“Don’t gimmie that look,” Felix exhales on a down-beat, taking a breather after heavy lifting and heavy pushing. “I was being nice… getting this couch for us…. for our  _family_ ,” Locus raises an eyebrow at xyr partners dramatics. “But I get it, I get it, you love Wash-,”

“Felix,” Xe snarls, cutting off the terrible joke. 

“Oh, that  _can’t_  be the kind of ass you take me for.” Before Locus can answer, Felix continues, “I wasn’t about to say  _that.”_  Felix snorts. But, there’s a quiet moment that follows and Felix speaks softly. “I _never_  would, and you know it.”

Locus breathes out, slowly, looking Felix over quietly. Xyr partner smiles, small, and it’s gone within a second, but it’s enough. Xe hums once, in acceptance, and lets Felix continue.

“I was  _going_  to say,” Felix starts again, “you love Wash’s love of cats more than you love my love of saving money.”

…Okay, that part’s true.

“One of them  _is_  less complicated than the other.” Locus accepts the new jab in place of the previous one. At least Locus knows police won’t show up for the cat. “Legally speaking.”

“Because legality is  _so important_  in this house.” Felix scoffs, turning upwards to the Sphinx on the shelf. “Get down from there, you’re going to knock something over!” Simone looks down at Felix and hops down, onto the ground, before climbing onto the stolen couch Felix is pushing towards the bedroom.

Felix stares at the cat, turns back to Locus.

“…We’re not keeping five cats,” Felix strains to keep a calm voice as Simone curls onto the couch to sleep.

They both pretend it’s true until Felix and the couch have made camp in Felix’s bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> In the end, Wash named her Snowball.  
> Felix calls the kitten 'it' or 'Slush' out of spite.  
> Just because Locus doesn't regret this decision doesn't mean Washington is allowed to do it again.  
> (Not that Wash /plans/ to do it again....)


End file.
